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  • Writer's pictureSam Orlando

License to Quake: Augusta County’s Search for the 'Real' Culprit

Written by: Sam Orlando

AUGUSTA COUNTY, VA - Stuarts Draft residents have found themselves amidst an enigmatic seismic Sherlock Holmes episode, and if the plot sounds baffling, that's because it is.

On the evening of October 15, 2023, the ground shook, windows rattled, and over 60 people did the most reasonable thing they could think of: they reported the unusual, boom-like phenomena. To their credit, the sheriff's office, ever diligent, sprang into action— not by immediately considering the probable seismic explanation but by entertaining a more James Bond-esque theory: discreetly placed, potent, and oddly imperceptible explosives.

You see, while many residents believed the tremors pointed towards a natural occurrence – an earthquake, perhaps – it seems that Sheriff Donald Smith and his band of deputies had visions of covert operatives planting bombs around town and then, presumably, partaking in the world's most efficient cleanup effort to leave not a trace behind.

Let’s take a moment to truly appreciate the dedication of these imagined villains: to set off numerous explosives strong enough to mimic the effects of a minor earthquake, yet sophisticated enough to leave no evidence of an explosion. And all of this in a town where the most clandestine activity, up until now, was probably sneaking an extra cookie from Grandma’s jar.

It's worth noting that while local residents were sharing their experiences and genuine concerns, their reports found their way to Germany, of all places. Volcano Discovery, a consortium that tracks seismic activity, seems to have a better grasp of the situation than anyone locally. They pointed to potential seismic activities in Augusta County.

Meanwhile, for those keeping score at home: West Coast seismic events? Business as usual. East Coast rumbles? Must be secret agents with next-gen, earth-shaking technology.

A touch of advice for the Augusta County Sheriff: when the earth moves, and the people report, perhaps it's best to leave the action-packed theories for Hollywood and consider the more prosaic, geological explanations.

In all seriousness, the region's history and recent events emphasize the need for adequate education, vigilance, and preparedness. Earthquakes or imagined espionage, Stuarts Draft deserves clear answers and a well-thought-out response.

Stay tuned, Augusta County. Who knows what adventures tomorrow may bring? But let's hope it's more science and less spy fiction from the Sheriff.


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