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  • Writer's pictureSam Orlando

Don't Count Your Money Until Uncle Sam Snatches It: The Rueben Dixon Story

News Flash: Virginia Man Courageously Tries to Reclaim His Own Money from Uncle Sam

Written by: Sam Orlando

Harrisonburg, VA – Ah, civil forfeiture, the time-honored American tradition where your money is guilty until proven innocent. In an ongoing spectacle—worthy of courtroom drama and late-night Twitter rants—Rueben Dixon is heroically attempting to get back $71,980 from the United States Government. Yes, you read that right; he’s trying to reclaim his own money.

The U.S. Government, in its infinite wisdom, confiscated Dixon's money under the suspicion that it was linked to illegal activities—specifically, drug-related offenses under the glamorously-named 21 U.S.C § 841. You’d think they caught El Chapo 2.0, not a guy who’s just fighting for the cash seized from him in Frederick County, Virginia.

Dixon, channeling his inner Atticus Finch via his attorney Correy A. Diviney, has outright denied these lavish claims of criminality. According to Dixon, the money wasn't singing "Bad Guy" by Billie Eilish while doing lines of illicit substances; it was just plain old, non-criminal cash.

Among the cornucopia of defenses that Dixon presented is the audacious claim that the government didn't act in good faith. Shocking, we know. Dixon also asserts that the seizure was a slap in the face to his Fourth and Eighth Amendment rights. Apparently, he's under the illusion that those amendments apply in the face of civil forfeiture. How quaint!

Perhaps most fascinating is the claim that the forfeiture would be "constitutionally disproportionate," thereby violating the Eighth Amendment against excessive fines. Apparently, taking almost $72,000 from a man without a criminal conviction seems a tad unfair in Dixon's eyes. What a revolutionary thought!

The crème de la crème? Dixon reserves the right to slap on even more defenses as discovery continues. A bold move, considering the U.S. Government generally doesn't like being told it's wrong.

As we eagerly await the next courtroom showdown, this case serves as a wake-up call to every American: hold onto your wallets, because Uncle Sam has his eyes on them.

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